please don’t take my lack of calling as a lack of caring because it’s not that. i know sometimes you need space and to cool down so i’m going to try to do that.
I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am. I hate hurting you; you aren’t listening to me. I know you aren’t the queen of romantic gestures and I know that before I fell in love with you. (I wrote “before I married you,” but that’s only in dreams.) But yeah. I know that. I know who you are and I don’t want to change you. If I got something all the time, it wouldn’t as special.
When I say I like things, 95% of the time, it really is just me liking it and thinking it is adorable. There’s a girl who posts something for her girlfriend every day and I think it’s cute. Would I want you to do that? No. I would love for you to most how much you love me one day if it felt right, but I love the texts you send because it’s between us. I liked the pictures of Rai and Lindsey because it was your sister and I love seeing her so happy and having someone who does that for her. The lack of you doing it wasn’t a reflection on what I need or wanted. If we’re really okay and we date again, post a picture of us saying “I love you” or “here you go you asshole” and I would be happy.
send me letters and boxes and flowers if you want. send me long texts when you want. if you ever did a grand romantic gesture, yes, I’d enjoy it but I don’t need it. I don’t need it in the slightest nor do I want someone to give it to me. I love you for who you are. There are things I want to change about you like the way you see yourself sometimes and how you steal the whole bed and how you sometimes ruin good things just because you’re scared, but only things to better you. being a grand romantic gesturer? that wouldn’t be a better you. it’d be a different you and I don’t want that.
I’ll try to say I want things yes. When you do things, regardless of how frequently, please know it’s enough for me.
You are enough for me. You’re more than enough.
I know I hurt you because everything just wasn’t coming out right. I know how you’re feeling and I’m sorry I made you feel like what you do isn’t enough. it is. you are enough for me. don’t go. you’re enough.
2:58 am • 18 October 2014
I have to prepare myself for goodbye. you don’t want to be with me so you certainly don’t want a future with me and now you don’t want kids either and it’s not like I blame you. I just need to be prepared. you’re starting to say I love you less again and I’m probably asking for too much and you keep talking about your birthday and bowling and I would love that, but you’ll be gone by then. I need to be ready.
1:49 am • 16 October 2014
remember that night you had work at 7 but we just wanted each other so badly and I kept trying to get you to sleep but instead we kissed forever and you touched me like it meant everything and fell asleep right in my arms
I’d never need anything else if I had that
2:46 am • 15 October 2014
i keep planning thanksgiving and christmas and spring break, but i have no idea where we stand. i don’t know if you’re seeing someone else. i don’t even know if they would be wasted visits. i know what i want, but i have no idea what you want besides the fact that you love me.
12:54 am • 15 October 2014
I had a thought of having Grammys sweater and in 20 years giving it to our kid and telling her it was her Grammys and ugh
2:56 am • 13 October 2014
i look at you and i realize just how much i love you and i know you love me baclk.
1:54 am • 13 October 2014
"i DO want you. no matter what i say, i want you. i love you. i never stop wanting you."
"i can only picture marry you. i don’t want a life with anyone else."
if only that was true now.
6:05 pm • 12 October 2014
I keep talking about us like we’re something. I keep saying, “oh, me and brittney do this” or “when we sleep, we do this.” or “when I move there.”
I’m so fucking stupid.
she doesn’t want you. get it through your fucking head.
it was nice when it felt like she did. when she told you she loved you but she doesn’t. she feels sorry for you because you’re fucking pathetic and would buy s ticket just when she asked.
I’m so fucking stupid thinking anything had changed. that secret girlfriend meant anything. that you actually missed me.
2:31 am • 12 October 2014
one day there will be a girl who wants me for thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and every single day in between. whether I live in the house next to her or across an ocean, she would suffer through it because being without me would’ve something she’d hate. I would have loved you here or far away. I would of gone broke in an effort to spend holidays with you, but I’m not enough to brave the distance for. And I am worth more than five days of happiness just to have my heart broken after.
I thought that since things were going good, you’d realize how happy you are with me, how much better we are together, but you don’t. You won’t.
2:26 am • 12 October 2014
you sleep so easily and i should of known then that none of this matters to you. i will always be the one in pieces.
2:14 am • 12 October 2014
don’t act like you want me there. don’t act like it would actually mean something. God. I would love to be there. I used to get so excited about future thanksgivings with you family because it’s so happy and great and it’s al I wanted. all I want. but you don’t. and I’m fine with talking. I’m fine with falling asleep because it helps us both. I’m happy and fine. but I can’t be next to you knowing it would only last a few days. knowing I would go to touch you and the second I left, it’d be forgotten.
1:49 am • 12 October 2014
I want too much that I’m never going to get. I’m lost in my head with images I wish would disappear. I miss you more than you’ll ever miss me and I spend forever on this stupid fucking blog when I know nothing that you’re feeling. People keep flirting with me and I’d rather throw up, but I let them because you have him. If he gets attention he doesn’t even fucking deserve, it’s fine.
11:56 pm • 10 October 2014
I hate your stupid fucking face. I hate that every time I see it, I just want to kiss you or slap you or both. I hate that you’re sleeping with him and not. I hate that I didn’t see the signs. I hate that I can’t put on a face and feel nothing like you.
4:29 pm • 10 October 2014
I look at your last name and know it’ll never be mine.
2:31 am • 10 October 2014